Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Spring Cleaning
I was actually rather fond of my original color scheme, which appeared to nice effect on my high-quality monitor through the lens of a secure, robust web browser. However, I do understand that most of you—through either your own misguided choice or the evil tyranny of corporate IT departments—have been reduced to squinting at the World Wide Web through the unlucky combination of Microsoft web browsers and Dell computer monitors. I have been reliably informed that my original background color appeared as a rather noxious "lemon-lime" in such contexts, which was rather more bilious and rather less subtle than was my intent. So, notwithstanding my unshakeable faith that Steve Ballmer and Michael Dell are perfectly capable of screwing up the display of black text on a white background, I herewith bequeath you the New and Improved Version of TED.
By the way, you should also thank me for keeping the other aspects of my site up to date. I have noticed than many of my blogging peers seem to have last checked and updated their blog rolls when Spiro Agnew was broadcasting live from the Cities of the Plain. Tsk-tsk.
© 2007 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wild Strawberries
Ingmar Bergman has gone to his long home.Long after the last bond indenture and purchase agreement has moldered away, he will be remembered.
“I want to be one of the artists of the cathedral that rises on the plain,” he said. “I want to occupy myself by carving out of stone the head of a dragon, an angel or a demon, or perhaps a saint; it doesn’t matter; I will find the same joy in any case. Whether I am a believer or an unbeliever, Christian or pagan, I work with all the world to build a cathedral because I am artist and artisan, and because I have learned to draw faces, limbs, and bodies out of stone. I will never worry about the judgment of posterity or of my contemporaries; my name is carved nowhere and will disappear with me. But a little part of myself will survive in the anonymous and triumphant totality. A dragon or a demon, or perhaps a saint, it doesn’t matter!”
And missed.
In 1982, Mr. Bergman announced that he had just made his last theatrical film — it was “Fanny and Alexander,” a look at high society in a Swedish town early in the last century that was in part inspired by his own childhood.
“Making ‘Fanny and Alexander’ was such a joy that I thought that feeling will never come back,” he told Ms. Kakutani. “I will try to explain: When I was at university many years ago, we were all in love with this extremely beautiful girl. She said no to all of us, and we didn’t understand. She had had a love affair with a prince from Egypt and, for her, everything after this love affair had to be a failure. So she rejected all our proposals. I would like to say the same thing. The time with ‘Fanny and Alexander’ was so wonderful that I decided it was time to stop. I have had my prince of Egypt.”
Farewell, prince. Safe travels.
© 2007 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
L.H.O.O.Q.
Watching the little islands of green stock tickers flash feebly against the sea of red on my Bloomberg monitor last Friday somehow got me thinking about art. (It is too early for Christmas, and the way things are going there may be no presents exchanged in Manhattan this year anyway.) Fortunately, DealBook ran a little piece that provided an interesting distraction from the screams of leveraged finance bankers plunging to their deaths from the office buildings surrounding me.In it, DealBook profiled the list of the top ten art collectors published in the recent issue of ARTnews. Apparently "Budweiser" Ken Griffin of Citadel Investments, the most boring seriously weird rich dude on the profile circuit, has "elbowed his way" into the top 10 to join his competitor and chubby fleece-wearer Steve Cohen of SAC Capital on the list which leading art dealers use as a masturbatory aid. Steve, of course, has already proved his art world bona fides by loaning Damien Hirst's tiger shark floating in formaldehyde to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. (Perhaps SAC's limited partners were beginning to complain about the smell in the hedge fund's waiting room. Given the current state of the market, Cohen probably decided it was not a good idea to let LPs think the smell of rotting flesh was coming from anywhere near SAC's portfolio.)
Now the cynics among you (surely not among my readers?) might sigh and shift impatiently in your seats, expecting some hackneyed jeremiad about conspicuous consumption, invidious consumption, and fine art as a Veblen good. But no, my hackneyed jeremiad will address one or two far more interesting subtleties which I perceive (or am willing to invent) as characterizing the current phenomenon of hedge fund barons spending their ill-gotten gains on art.
First, I think most people would acknowledge that nouveau riches of all stripes have often felt compelled to buy their way into proper society by contributing to the right charities, belonging to the right clubs, and furnishing their palatial digs with the right furniture and expensive accessories, including works of art. Back in the day when the division between old and new money was clearer and more easily traced—usually by a quick lookup in Burke's Peerage or the local parish register—that's usually where it ended. New money was worthy of suspicion and requiring of acceptance simply by virtue of its being new. Nowadays, when any college student can earn umpty gazillion dollars by stringing two websites together and broadcasting grainy videos of Britney Spears snorting Drano off the chest of Hervé Villechaize, people have become much more sensitive to how a particular nouveau riche earns his or her money.
And this is where hedge funds come into play. For—unlike purveyors of trashy celebrity pornography, whom they embrace unreservedly—most Americans view people who seem to make money too easily or too quickly as having done something vaguely naughty or despicable. Therefore, in addition to the usual social baggage of being nouveau, a socially ambitious hedge fund manager (or his wife) has the added burden of being about as welcome at a charity ball as a Russian oil tycoon or Michael Moore. Spending money on art—a lot of money—can be seen in this context as a form of psychic money laundering, through which the pasha in question can exchange a passel of tainted simoleons—and a good-sized chunk of social guilt—for a highly marketable commodity which even Mrs. Badgley Whittington the Third will recognize as respectable, even if it is not to her taste.
Now arrivistes were buying their way into the Knickerbocker Club with Impressionist and Postimpressionist art long before Al Gore invented the internet, so what makes this any different for hedgies? Well, I have been struck not only by the sheer number of hedge fund honchos milling about the high end of the art world, but also by the simply ludicrous amounts of money some of them seem to be throwing at second- and third-rate art. I mean, eighty million bucks for the half-baked Jasper Johns at the top of this post?! It's not even a cultural icon, for chrissake. Whatever else they are, hedge fund guys are supposed to be excellent judges of value and canny buyers, but the prices some of these guys pay and the money they throw around at Sotheby's and Christies make them look totally unhinged.
DealBook attributes much of the hedgies' collecting fervor to their competitive juices, and there does seem to be quite a bit of the old "mine is bigger than yours" dynamic at play. But this has always been true of the über-wealthy, no matter what the provenance of their squintillions. What makes the hedge fund guys act like the new Japanese, who back in the 1980s seemed to take perverse pride in paying three weeks of revenue at Sony Corporation for a dusty old painting destined to sit in a vault in Tokyo? Is it the case that the new hedge fund collectors are not really collecting art, but rather symbols of their own wealth?
If so, this is the kind of meta-trend that floats a thousand art history PhDs and makes the editors over at Social Text have wet dreams. It also brings me to my second assertion, that, knowingly or unknowingly, these hedge fund collectors are creating an entirely new category of art: fine art as kitsch. As philosopher and critic of art Denis Dutton points out,
Kitsch (from German, pretentious trash, < dialect, kitschen, to smear, verkitschen, to make cheaply, to cheapen)
is usually defined as poor quality, "pseudo-art ... whose essential function is to flatter, soothe, and reassure its viewer and consumer."
Kitsch includes what advertising blurbs might call “original hand-painted reproductions of fine works of art,” mass-produced tourist curios in imitation of honest folk styles, most cinematic versions of famous composers’ lives, much patriotic art, the funerary sculpture of California’s Forest Lawn Cemetery, and all manner of religious reproductions and souvenirs. The kitsch object declares itself “beautiful,” “profound,” “important,” or “moving,” but such values are not internally achieved; they derive merely from the kitsch object’s subject-matter or connotations. According to Tomas Kulka, the standard kitsch work must be instantly identifiable as depicting “an object or theme which is generally considered to be beautiful or highly charged with stock emotions.” Moreover, kitsch “does not substantially enrich our associations related to the depicted subject.” The impact of kitsch is limited to reminding the viewer of great works of art, deep emotions, or grand philosophic, religious, or patriotic sentiments.
Whether you like it or not, most modern and contemporary art—the general period of preference for hedge fund collectors—cannot be classified as kitsch under this definition. But look more closely at the function and purpose of kitsch:
A major function of kitsch in the present century is to reassure its consumers of their status and position, hence its association with the ever-nervous middle classes. Just as an ostentatious set of “great works of literature bound in hand-crafted buckram” is not intended to be read, but to confirm the literacy and wealth of its owner, so works of self-consciously “fine” art may appear in domestic surroundings as emblems of status and good taste.
Clearly, a leather-bound set of Franklin Library classics or a Thomas Kinkade print "hand-highlighted under the supervision of the artist" is not going to cut the mustard in the 10021 zip code, but what about a Jasper Johns painting, or a Damien Hirst sculpture? Just the ticket "to confirm the [cultural] literacy and wealth of its owner," no?
Even better if you and everyone you invite to your Park Avenue coop knows that you paid $80 million for the thing. For no-one can remain unaffected by such knowledge when they attempt to appreciate or understand a work of art. In this context, "money is no object" guarantees that money becomes the object, a kind of meta-haze that any halfway conscious viewer must struggle to see the original piece through. In fact, Ken Griffin's very public purchase of the Johns piece becomes itself a kind of commentary on wealth, art, and social status in this day and age—a performance piece or work of conceptual art in its own right, which could be entitled "Ken Griffin Buys Johns Painting and Gets Himself Written Up About It," or "$80 Million Doesn't Buy You That Much Anymore." It would be less subtle, but he could create much the same effect by stencilling the price he paid onto the original painting.
And here is the capper: I can sense no irony whatsoever, no "poking fun at high art idolatry" in the behavior of Griffin or any of his hedge fund peers in the art world. They take this stuff completely seriously.
Solemnity and a complete absence of irony also mark kitsch: this distinguishes sharply the presentation of a bearded Mona Lisa in Marcel Duchamp’s L.H.O.O.Q (1919) from the kitsch appearance of Leonardo’s painting on the top of a jewelry box.
Or, I might add, a preserved shark in a tank at the Met.
Now, if only someone could stuff Paris Hilton and the Jasper Johns canvas into the tank with the shark, we might have a real masterpiece on our hands. We would only have to worry that the Chinese would flood the market with knock-offs for other hedge fund collectors.
Like forgery, kitsch is an inevitable feature of an art world in which money and desire are spread more widely than taste and knowledge.
Correction: Felix Salmon has correctly observed that I incorrectly described Mr. Hirst's shark-in-a-tank as "bisected" in the original version of this post, twice. Whether two mentions of half a shark add up to one whole one, I leave to you Dear Readers and any conceptual artists in residence to decide. Notwithstanding Felix's other remarks, I stand by the rest of my commentary as-is. See my comments on Felix's site for any required clarification.
© 2007 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
The Wine Dark Sea

So which is it, Boys and Girls? Market meltdown, or liquidity freeze? Armageddon, or The Big Chill?After today's nasty swoon, reflected in both the equity markets and the credit markets, I will venture a modest prediction that the financial and mainstream media will be ransacking their Financial Markets Metaphor Departments tonight for punchy phrases and blistering bon mots to describe the pile-up. Tomorrow's articles should be downright Homeric in tone.
I wish I could say that I care, but I do not have a dog in this fight. (To be more precise, I have so many dogs on so many sides of this fight that I do not care which one(s) have their throats ripped out.) Whether today's little disturbance—it didn't even trigger the circuit breakers, people, really—turns out to be another pause that refreshes, like this past February, or the start of a long and painful slide, Your Faithful Correspondent expects to land on his well-shod feet quite nicely. Sure, the M&A market will slow down a little—maybe even shut for a while—but all will turn out well. It takes more than a little nuclear war to kill all the cockroaches, and likewise it will take more than another Black Monday to wipe out the M&A bankers.
But for those of you who do care, I feel your pain. Accordingly, I will leave you with the following meditation, courtesy of a wise man who nonetheless never shorted the Nikkei or played yield arbitrage with CDOs and REMICs.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
— Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"
Happy reading!
© 2007 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
— Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Well, Cerberus Capital Management just exercised the Chrysler Put.
News broke this morning that it has abandoned the attempt to sell $12 billion of loans to help finance the purchase of the perennially troubled automaker. Apparently it couldn't negotiate acceptable terms with potential investors, because would-be lenders kept projectile vomiting all over the draft indentures. Instead, along with DaimlerChrysler it will pony up some spare change ($2 billion) and collect the rest from its committed financing banks, JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, Bear Stearns, and Morgan Stanley. The deal to buy out Chrysler will close as scheduled on August 3rd.
Senior bankers from Cerberus's debt bitches new best friends couldn't be reached for further comment, as they were all nursing painful dog bites on their derrieres from their three-headed client. Chief Financial Officers at the five banks were likewise incommunicado, as they were busy preparing massive reversals to the accrued bonus pools to cover expected loan losses and simultaneously polishing their resumes. Staff at all five banks' leveraged finance groups were put on suicide watch.
Not everyone was unhappy, though. PIMCO's Bill Gross, who yesterday released another broadside against loose morals and excess promiscuity in the credit markets—as well as identifying the Chrysler buyout financing as the coal mine canary to watch—was observed Irish clog dancing down Wall Street with Michael Flatley. Members of the 85 Broad Street cell of Al Qaeda issued a communiqué declaring a cessation of hostilities against Goldman Sachs employees, stating that "the infidels have been punished enough."
Finally, acquisitive corporate chieftains everywhere giggled in delight and temporarily put away their Steve Schwarzman voodoo dolls, as the prospect of reduced liquidity in the lending market summarily shaved a point and a half off EBITDA multiples required to clear the market for strategic takeovers. Their secretaries began dusting off bulge bracket investment banker Rolodex cards and practicing their best brush-off routines, in anticipation of a surge of incoming calls from bankers desperate to reestablish "relationships" with corporate buyers abandoned in the last few years of worshiping at the altar of private equity.
In fact, the only person involved who isn't particularly excited about the situation is Stephen Feinberg, head of Cerberus. He is probably much more concerned about how he can turn his newly-purchased LeBaron into a Maserati.
© 2007 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.