Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Welcome to Duloc!

“I just know before this is over I’m gonna need a whole lotta serious therapy. Lookit my eye twitchin’.”

— Shrek

It appears that, notwithstanding my diligent efforts to the contrary, more and more hapless boobs poor misguided souls are independently discovering or being intentionally directed toward these pages.

Today’s1 precipitous surge of ten new visitors seems to have been triggered by a malicious Tweet from blogging legend Paul Kedrosky, who clearly got pissed off at his Twitter followers for some reason or other this afternoon and steered them this direction in retaliation. One can only imagine the sort of misdeeds Mr. Kedrosky’s acolytes must have perpetrated which could make the normally equable pundit snap so viciously. [*Shudder*]

Aannny-hoo. Here you are, so I suppose I should offer some sort of desultory introduction to the site.

Most of what you need to know is already scattered about this location, but since I am known for recondite, abstruse, and impossibly verbose verbal stylings, I thought for courtesy’s sake I would collect them here in one clean, nifty, well-lighted post. That way, once you have discovered that your innate interest in my pontifications ranks slightly below having your genitals gnawed off by ill-tempered, mutated sea bass with laser beams attached to their heads, you can slink quietly away without disturbing the less discriminating readers among my audience.

Herewith, perhaps, are some of the thoughts which may be roiling your pretty little heads right now:

Who the hell is this guy?: (Funny, that’s what Steve Schwarzman keeps asking.) I am me: investment banker, M&A guru, economic and financial commentator without portfolio, guy on a bell tower with an AK-47. They haven’t caught me yet, and I’ll be damned if they ever do.

What the hell do you write about?: Oh, you know: life, the universe, and everything.2 More specifically, I tend to focus on those areas which I happen to know a little bit about, like M&A, investment banking, financial markets, a smidgen of non-traditional economics, and industry-standard binomial-lattice pricing models for Star Trek memorabilia.

Focusing on what I know is one of the traits which distinguishes me from 99.9% of all professional bloggers (and Nobel laureate economists) in the universe. Should you be interested in reading some stuff by other members of this select 0.1%, you can find them to your left under “Recommended reading.”

Why the hell haven’t I heard of you before?: How the fuck do I know? Do I look like your mother?

Seriously, though, no-one has heard of me. That’s part of my charm. So, read quickly before Kedrosky or somebody else sends another ten guys over to louse up the party and drink all our beer.

Why the hell don’t you allow comments on your site?: Are you kidding? With the kind of language you’re using right now? This is a goddamn family blogsite, fer chrissakes. Geez.

In all seriousness, I don’t have time to wade through thousands of vulgar, harebrained responses by the likes of Steve Schwarzman and Paul Krugman to the impeccably balanced and thoughtful word bombs I post here. I have a day job, you see. At least until my partners fire me and revoke my charter membership to the Emperor’s Club. So forget it.

Should you feel absolutely convinced that you have something incredibly important to say to me, feel free to send me an e-mail via the instructions contained in the “About your dedicated bloggist” section of this website. I promise to read it before deleting it, and if you include valuable insider trading stock tips or a foolproof way to win the New York Lottery, I may even send you a small token of appreciation in return. Word to the wise, though: don’t hold your breath.

I am sure you all have a passel of pressing questions yet to be answered, but frankly I can’t be bothered right now. Come back in six months or so, and I might post another scintillating gem of heartbreaking genius for your entertainment. Or not.

In any event, this post is over. Piss off.

1 I am nothing if not topical. “Today,” in this instance, refers to the original date of this posting. Since I intend this introduction to remain standing long after Manhattan has sunk beneath the waves, I encourage you to jump lightly over the temporal reference without excessive concern. Sort of like you might jump over some character’s Russian patronymic in a Tolstoy novel, if you’re into that sort of thing. If the world has changed so much that you don't know what I mean by Twitter and Tweets, well ... I can't help you.
2 Anyone diligent enough to have clicked the links above has discovered that it is integral to my peculiar genius to foil easy searching of these archives by less-than-dedicated readers. No trite, obvious keywords here. So, if you want to find something specific, like “Pictures of Steve Schwarzman fucking a goat” or “High speed rail service in Mogadishu, Somalia,” may I direct you to the upper left corner of your screen? There you will find a remarkably straightforward Blogger.com search box which should satisfy your cravings. Enjoy!

© 2009 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.