The Garden of Forking Paths

"The explanation is obvious: The Garden of Forking Paths is an incomplete, but not false, image of the universe as Ts'ui Pên conceived it. In contrast to Newton and Schopenhauer, your ancestor did not believe in a uniform, absolute time. He believed in an infinite series of times, in a growing, dizzying net of divergent, convergent and parallel times. This network of times which approached one another, forked, broke off, or were unaware of one another for centuries, embraces all possibilities of time. We do not exist in the majority of these times; in some you exist, and not I; in others I, and not you; in others, both of us. In the present one, which a favorable fate has granted me, you have arrived at my house; in another, while crossing the garden, you found me dead; in still another, I utter these same words, but I am a mistake, a ghost."

— Jorge Luis Borges, The Garden of Forking Paths

To Whom It May Concern:

I will not insult your intelligence by offering career advice. I will, however, offer the following. Perhaps some of you might find it helpful.

In the midst of the Garden, which is Time, you find yourself on a path, which is your fate to follow to the next forking. You may not have chosen the path you are on, and you may not like it or the choices you think you see before you, but you cannot go back. You cannot unwrite your own history. You cannot unlive your own life.

You must go forward. And because you must, you should go forward boldly, to the next fork in the path, and see where it leads you.

As Mrs. Dealmaker is fond of saying, "Life is what happens to you while you are making plans."

Forkin' A.

© 2008 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.

Irony of Ironies

What do you think I discovered when I opened my e-mail in-box this morning, O Dearly Beloved?

Why, nothing less than this timely little gem:



I guess Dick Fuld didn't get the research report on subprime mortgage CDOs in time.

Gives new emphasis to the phrase "eating your own cooking," doesn't it?

© 2008 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.

Dick Fuld, Excitable Boy

For my homies at Lehman Brothers:

I went home with the waitress
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Russians, too?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Dad, get me out of this ... Hyah!

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock and a hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes I'm down on my luck
Well I'm down on my luck

I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns and money
The shit has hit the fan

All right
Send lawyers, guns and money ... Huh!
Uh... Send lawyers, guns and money ... Uhh!
Send lawyers, guns and money ... Hyah!
Send lawyers, guns and money ...

— Warren Zevon, Lawyers, Guns and Money

Peace out, bra. Chill.

© 2008 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.

T-Bone the Metaphor

Ya gotta love this country:

MISSOULA, Mont. (AP) — A middle school teacher suffered some bruising and a big scratch on his back after he struck a bear while riding his bicycle to school.

Jim Litz said he was traveling about 25 mph Monday morning when he came upon a rise and spotted a black bear about 10 feet in front of him. He didn't have time to stop and T-boned the bruin.

He tumbled over the handlebars, his helmet hit the bear's back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

The bear rolled over Litz's head, cracking his helmet, and scratched his back before scampering up a hill above the road.

Litz's wife drove by shortly after the crash and took her husband to the hospital. He hoped to be able to return to teaching science at Target Range Middle School on Friday.

* * *

NEW YORK, NY (AP) — Troubled investment bank CEO Dick Fuld suffered a bruised ego and a black mark on his resume after he struck a bear while riding his limousine to work.

Mr. Fuld said he was traveling about 30 mph Wednesday morning when he came upon the intersection of Wall Street and Broad and spotted David Einhorn about 10 feet in front of him. He didn't have time to stop and T-boned the bearish investor.

He tumbled out of the limo, his Blackberry hit the activist's back and the two went cartwheeling down Wall Street.

Mr. Einhorn rolled over Fuld's briefcase, scattering his restructuring documents, and scratched his Gucci loafers before scampering into a Starbucks across the road.

Bart McDade drove by shortly after the crash and took Mr. Fuld to the Fed's Discount Window. He hoped to be able to return to scowling menacingly at creditors and rating agency executives at Lehman Brothers on Friday.

* * *

WASILLA, AK (AP) — Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin suffered some jovial ribbing and a big dent to her reputation after she struck a moose while ferrying her children to soccer practice.

Ms Palin said she was traveling about 85 mph Tuesday morning when she came upon a school crossing and spotted a sleeping moose about 10 feet in front of her. She didn't have time to stop and T-boned the herbivore.

She tumbled out of her Expedition, her AK-47 hit the moose's back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

The moose rolled over Palin's skinning knife but escaped without a scratch before scampering down a hill into the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

John McCain drove by shortly after the crash and took Ms Palin to the taxidermist. She hoped to be able to return to field-dressing Barack Obama in Virginia on Wednesday evening.

* * *

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) — Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson suffered a bruised balance sheet and a knock to his Teflon image after he struck a sour note while rescuing the federal housing agencies.

Secretary Paulson said he was spending about $200 billion Sunday evening when he came upon the wobbling GSEs and spotted a moral hazard about 10 feet in front of him. He didn't have time to stop and T-boned the metaphor.

He tumbled over the podium, his plan hit taxpayers and GSE shareholders in the pocketbook and the three went cartwheeling into uncharted territory.

The conservatorship rolled over Americans' sensibilities, undermining self-discipline, and cackled and scratched its balls before scampering down the corridor back to K Street.

Ben Bernanke drove by shortly after the crash and took Secretary Paulson to Capitol Hill. He hoped to be able to forget his stint in Washington as quickly as possible.

© 2008 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.

Plan Ahead

"We say to the management of companies: ‘You are here today. Where do you want to be five years from now, and how are you going to get there?’”

— Henry Kravis

Andrew Ross Sorkin and Julie Creswell authored a lengthy piece this past Sunday in the New York Times, entitled "What Does Henry Kravis Want?" Good question.

The gist of the article seems to be some extended head scratching about the private equity honcho's continued interest in taking his General Partner management company—the "KKR" which most people think about when they think about "KKR"—public through an initial public offering, notwithstanding the currently crappy market conditions for IPOs, leveraged buyouts, and bobbleheaded dolls bearing his own likeness or that of his partner George Roberts.

Like the Economist and other mainstream media reporters before them, Mr. Sorkin and Ms Cheswell profess to be confused by the fact that a private equity company would even entertain the thought of exposing its inner workings and private cafeteria menu to the withering gaze of the public markets and other riffraff. I, on the other hand, am confused by their confusion.

Perhaps they concluded that a gentleman of Mr. Kravis' abbreviated stature would naturally be particularly afflicted by the proverbial hobgoblin of consistency and were nonplussed when they failed to find it in his words and actions. But I could have told them that—"tiny eighties relic" or no—Mr. Kravis is by no means possessed of a little mind, and he and his partners and competitors in the institutionalized rape and pillage private equity industry have always had a complicated and situation-contingent love-hate relationship with the public markets.

Talented reportage or not, what amuses me is that the writers seem to have missed the very clue which could have enlightened them in the first place, a clue which they themselves drew attention to in the article. I speak, of course, of the quote from Mr. Kravis which adorns the top of this post, in which he alludes to KKR's standard practice of having their partner management teams develop extensive strategic, operational, and financial plans for the businesses which KKR buys with them. Surely Mr. Sorkin and Ms Cheswell did not think that a clever man like Mr. Kravis would fail to conduct the same simple planning exercise in his own personal and professional life?

Although, to be fair, reporters like Mr. Sorkin and Ms Cheswell would be unlikely to pursue this line of inquiry—even if it had occurred to them—without some sort of documentary evidence to back it up. Fortunately, your Dedicated Correspondent has access to a number of carefully screened, disgruntled current and former employees of KKR and other major PE houses to call upon for the manufacture discovery of titillating pieces of inside dope. A couple of phone calls and a kilo of cocaine later, and my sources delivered me a particularly revealing goody which shows just how far Mr. Kravis takes his own personal planning process.

The document is fragmentary, being just the first page of what appears to be a longer list, but I believe it speaks for itself:


Question answered, no?

Next time, Andrew, give me a call first, and I'll save you some shoe leather.

© 2008 The Epicurean Dealmaker. All rights reserved.