Thursday, August 15, 2013

10 Reasons I’m Not Posting Anymore

Any questions?
1) I’m bored. — Nothing remotely interesting is happening in the world of finance to prompt my poison pen. Tapering? SEC and DOJ prosecutions of financial crimes? Jewelry thefts from billionaire tenements? Please.

2) Nobody has emailed me recently with any clever ideas to steal. — This usually reliable source of notions I can appropriate as my own and dazzle the assembled masses has dried up miserably. What’s the problem? Have you people gotten stingy on me or something?

3) Those items of finance news which are “happening” in the world are way above my pay grade. — Monetary policy? Insider trading jurisprudence? Vera Wang’s bracelet collection? I have trouble remembering to button my suit pants before I zip them. Give me something simple, like Jamie Dimon’s hat size. Or epistemology.

4) Nobody’s offered me a book deal. — What? You thought I wrote this shit out of the goodness of my heart?

5) I’m lazy. — So what? It’s summer. Give me a fucking break. None of my clients bothers to get into the office before eleven, either. (That’s if they’re not sipping mojitos on the deck of their beach houses by then.)

6) I’m busy. — Trying to get various clients and counterparties to shit or get off the pot already. I’m only writing this because I have nothing to do for the next 20 minutes but wait for a return phone call. Lots of hurry up and wait in my business.

7) I can’t figure out how to make slideshow listicles. — Anyway, the last two times I made a listicle you clowns only read one of them. Ungrateful wretches. I like pageviews, too.

8) I’ve already said everything I have to say.About fifty billion times, too. Even I bore me.

9) Uh... I forget. — What? You expect an investment banker to know how to count? Or not overpromise and under deliver? Hahahahahaha. Silly rabbits.

See you in September. Maybe.1

1 No, no footnotes for you today. Go away.

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